When We Had to Perform to Be Loved – and How It Follows Us Into Adulthood

Many of us did not receive unconditional love as children.We had to be something in order to be loved.

Our parents did not do this intentionally. They were often just passing on their own unresolved patterns.

What we did to be loved

Here are some examples of what we may have needed to be in order to receive attention — which we then learned to associate with love:

• The Achiever: doing well in school, keeping things tidy, winning in sports

• The Protector: taking care of siblings, solving problems

• The Caretaker: being there to listen to a parent

• The Independent One: managing on our own, never asking for help

• The Invisible One: not causing trouble, being “the good one,” not taking up space with our needs

• The Entertainer: being funny, charming, keeping the mood light in the family

When Performance Becomes Self-Worth

The problem is that when love and validation are tied to performance, our personality begins to form around that.

We often become:

• high-achievers

• responsible

• ambitious

• appreciated by others

Sounds great? We manage to build lives that can look very successful from the outside. But on the inside, there is often stress, anxiety, worry, and a persistent feeling of not being enough.

I'm only worthy when I perform

One reason for this is a deeply rooted belief:

• that we are not fundamentally OK as we are

• that we are only worthy of love when we perform

And when things don't go so well — at work, in relationships, or in life — it doesn’t just feel difficult. It feels like a threat to our very existence.

Why Rest, Boundaries, and Failure Become So Charged

When we have learned that performance is the path to love, rest, failure, and boundaries become emotionally loaded.

As a result, we:

• push ourselves too hard

• struggle to say no

• feel guilt when we don’t have the capacity to “be there”

• get stuck in relationships where we give more than we receive

Giving Ourselves What We Didn’t Receive

Meeting the younger parts of us that once adapted in order to receive love is a central part of moving beyond these patterns. We can often connect with what is commonly referred to as the ‘inner child.’ These parts have needs and a clear voice — one we can learn to listen to.

As we do so, slowly, slowly, the outer “neurosis” begins to loosen. There is no dramatic transformation — it’s more like the temperature in a room gradually adjusting.

The anxiety may still arise, but we have a new way of meeting it and creating calm. Not through distraction or dissociation, but by actually meeting ourselves.

From Pressure to More Ease in Life and Relationships

Over time, space opens up to live life from a place of greater ease rather than constant pressure.

That doesn’t mean life becomes perfect — but the overall tone begins to change.

Working With Younger Parts of Ourselves

Connecting with a younger version of ourselves is one of the tools I often use with clients. It is usually surprisingly accessible — perhaps most accessible when we are right in the middle of a trigger. In other words, in a feeling that sweeps over us as we talk about or think about a situation.

It shows us that these younger parts of ourselves largely live beneath the surface and are activated when we have strong emotional reactions.

By meeting them, we can improve our relationship with ourselves, with those close to us, and with life.

If you would like some support in starting to explore these inner parts, don't hesitate to book a free 30-minute clarity call with me.

not desiring your partner is a symptom - not a problem

I know what it's like to be in a long-term relationship and feel no desire for your partner. The thought of intimacy as yet another burden to carry. Often, we see this as "a problem to be solved."

We might go to nutritional therapists and try different approaches to understand where the fault lies.

Why do I have no sex drive?

It might not be not until much later, when we've gained some distance from the situation, that we can begin to see that there were various relational reasons why the desire wasn't there, for example:

• Our partner handles our children in a way we don't like – anger.

• We feel alone in the responsibility for our house and home – abandoned.

• Even if we can't put it into words at the time – emotional insecurity in the relationship.

Back to desire. I have yet to meet a person who feels genuine respect, love, and warmth for their partner – and at the same time completely lacks desire. Sure, there can be physiological explanations, but in my experience, they often take up too much space in the conversation around desire.

Desire is strongly linked to the dynamics of the relationship as a whole. That might sound very obvious. And yet so many of us are in relationships where desire is gone and believe there's something wrong with us. Unable in the moment to ask some very important questions:

• How are we really doing as a couple?

• Am I emotionally thriving in this relationship?

Instead, we start looking for solutions in the physical.

Men take medication to get a reliable erection.

Women start questioning their hormonal health and what can be "fixed."

What I really want with this text is to express a wish – for you, and for everyone in relationships: That you deserve to live in a relationship where you are so seen, loved, and cherished that you want to let your love take physical form.

Eagerly, fully and often.

With warmth,

Sofia

Are you staying in your relationship out of fear?

I know this topic well, from the inside. I have stayed in relationships far too long because of my fear of being alone.

When we stay out of fear, we compromise on our needs and our truth because we want to keep the relationship at any cost. And unfortunately, this means we can never have a relationship that truly meets our needs.

It's only when we're willing to let the relationship die, if it's not right for us, that we have the courage to act in a way that creates conditions for a truly satisfying relationship.

That's when we voice our fears, our less flattering behaviors like dreaming about the next Tinder profile when we're triggered.

We can also tune into our inner core: what am I not willing to compromise on? For me, it includes:

• A life where presence with loved ones is a priority

• Growing together

• Living with integrity: saying what we do, and doing what we say

• Intentionally creating joy and ease in everyday life

To make a relationship work, we sometimes need to give up habitual behaviors or priorities. Sometimes we can feel better from these concessions. Like when our partner asks us to do something that we actually also feel better doing ourselves.

But if we give up our "inner core," our deep values about what we want to get out of life, we're probably acting from a place of fear rather than from care for the relationship.

What is your biggest fear about your relationship ending?

And have you made concessions on things you really should never have compromised on?