Do you fight, flee or freeze in heated moments?

We can have all the tools for conscious communication in the world, but when we come under pressure, they can fly straight out the window and we act from some kind of “default mode.” Does that sound familiar?

When we end up in a situation that creates so much internal stress that we can no longer manage it, our survival instincts kick in. This doesn’t happen as an active choice, it’s the body’s built-in response to a perceived threat.

The prefrontal cortex (where our logical, adult thinking takes place) temporarily steps aside, and the amygdala, the brain’s alarm system, takes over. The nervous system then relies on a few automatic strategies to keep us safe:

• Fight: go on the attack, move into conflict

• Flight: try to get away, physically or mentally/emotionally

• Freeze: suddenly we can’t speak or move

• Fawn: we go along and please, at the expense of our own needs

When you experience relational stress, which of these behaviors do you tend to lean toward? Most of us have one we fall into almost automatically.

the impact on the relationship

Being on the receiving end of someone’s stress response can be very challenging. Being attacked can trigger fear, someone pulling away right when things are hardest can evoke feelings of abandonment, when someone freezes and becomes unreachable feelings of hopelessness can emerge etc.

Often, one person’s stress response triggers the other’s. And two triggered people are rarely very good at resolving conflict together.

Notice and name your trigger

One of the more helpful things you can do for your relationship is to start noticing your stress responses. It begins with reflecting on them when you’re calm, not in the heat of the moment.

Step two is noticing your impulses in the moment. You might not be able to stop your impulse to leave or attack, but perhaps for a second you notice that you actually have a choice.

Step three is where things get interesting relationally. Here, you create enough space between your impulse and acting on it that you can name and share what’s happening inside you first, for example:

“Now I notice I’m starting to shut down.”

“Now I feel like running away from here.”

“Now I feel like telling you what a prick you are.”

If you’re lucky enough to have a partner who can hear that and respond with something like, “Thank you for staying,” you’ve entered a new dynamic. Suddenly, you’re not acting directly on your impulse, but rather, you have a choice.

To be able to name your impulse, the amygdala can't be in complete control, the prefrontal cortex needs to be partly online too. And this is something you can train. This is what’s called regulating your nervous system: building the capacity to partially bring your “adult self” back online even in highly pressured situations. Nervous system regulation isn’t about willpower, it’s about calming the system so you can think again.

There are methods to train this ability, such as different forms of focused breathing, adopting certain physical postures that signal safety to the nervous system, or simple physical techniques like immersing your face in cold water. These are just a few examples, and if you’re interested in nervous system regulation, feel free to reach out for more resources and guidance.

More about me and my work:

About me

From control to devotional love

A dynamic I often see in heterosexual couples, especially where the woman is highly competent, is that she believes she knows better than him in many ways. She knows how to better:

• Put the kids to bed

• Wipe down the kitchen counter

• Navigate social situations

  
  

And then it starts to creep into the bedroom: “don’t touch me like that,” “do like this.” Don't get me wrong here is nothing wrong with expressing your desires in the bedroom, but this is different.

And at the same time, she finds herself longing for a man who “just takes her.” But by criticizing and micromanaging her man, there’s no chance that dynamic can emerge between them.

Read also my post on lack of respect HERE.

There’s nothing left to do but put on an episode of Outlander and drift off into a fantasy of being with a man you feel magnetically drawn to and who just takes you.

Where does the need for control come from?

Often, this tendency has little to do with the man in front of her. It’s older than that. If you didn’t feel safe growing up, one coping strategy can be to try to control your surroundings - a way to create predictability when the world felt unpredictable. That strategy can follow us into adulthood and becomes especially visible in intimate relationships.

“Choose a man you respect and devote yourself to him”

Once, I heard a piece of advice that has stayed with me: “choose a man you respect and devote yourself to him.” I think it’s good advice and devotion is a beautiful state. What if we trusted that our man is capable, that he knows what he’s doing and that we don’t always know best? What arises then is relaxation.

If I trust that there is a capable man by my side, I can relax and don’t have to hold everything. And when a man feels my trust in his capability, he becomes capable. My expectation and trust invite him to step into his own power, instead of my doubt castrating him.

devotion requires courage and trust

If I don’t trust men, or the masculine in general, I won’t dare to devote myself to a mn. If I want to begin building that trust, there is inner work to be done first. I need to process the experiences that eroded my trust and start creating a new orientation in how I meet men going forward.

But what if I lose myself?

This is the risk of devoting yourself to someone and why many people don’t do it. We lose control. Suddenly, I might realize I’ve devoted myself to someone who behaves in ways that go against my values.

This fear is real. To be able to devote myself from a place of inner authority, I need to trust that if he behaves in a way that makes me lose trust in him, I can communicate where it is not working for me and reassess my devotion.

Devotion is not about becoming a doormat or shutting off your own judgment. On the contrary, it is an active choice, something you do from a place of strength and trust.

Devotion to the divine

Devotion in a relationship, or to love as a greater concept, is really a taste of the tantric concept of Bhakti, which is about devotion to the divine. By seeing your partner as an embodiment of the divine, you train yourself to see the divine in everything and everyone. Devotion becomes a path to experiencing that there is no separation between the self, the other, and the universe.

Something to start with

Back to practical, every day applications. Trusting someone and letting go of control is a gift not everyone dares to experience. If you have a man you respect and recognize yourself in what I’ve described, I would try choosing the mindset: “he knows what he’s doing” and “he gets to do it his way”and see what happens in your dynamic.

Read more about me and my work.

About me

When the respect is gone

When respect is gone in a relationship, we’re in deep water. According to John Gottman, who has studied couples for over 40 years, lack of respect and contempt are the behaviors most strongly correlated with separation.

When we respect someone, we’re naturally drawn to them. We want to be close, to connect, to have more of that person in our lives. I often meet couples where respect has eroded for different reasons, for example:

• The person doesn’t live up to our expectations

• We feel let down or betrayed

  
  

signs of lack of respect

When we don’t respect someone, certain unhealthy behaviors start to creep in. We might begin to:

• Make condescending comments

• Correct or interrupt the other person when they’re speaking

• Put ourselves on a mental pedestal and look down on them

  
  

Maybe you’ve experienced this yourself, or seen couples around you where this kind of dynamic is playing out. Often, we don’t even notice that we’re doing it. But to an outsider, watching a couple where respect is lacking can feel quite uncomfortable. You can feel in your body that something is off. Yet the couple themselves often seem stuck in a loop that has become normalized.

A loop where, instead of seeing what’s good in the other person—their qualities, their contribution to the family, how they try - we focus on what they do wrong and what we can criticize.

is it possible to find your way back?

It’s not easy to turn this around, but it is possible. Part of it is about addressing what has actually hurt - past disappointments, betrayals, expectations that were never met. Putting words to those things, in the right context, often with professional support.

The other part is about actively shifting your focus. To start noticing even the small things the other person does that are worth appreciating. To begin building a culture of appreciation between you - which doesn’t happen overnight when you’ve been stuck in a culture of criticism.

But it’s worth starting. Because don’t we all want to be in a relationship where we feel appreciated and loved? We all deserve that.

Curious about your own patterns? Try my free relationship test to gain insight into your communication patterns and get tailored advice for how to strengthen your relationship.

To the Test