not desiring your partner is a symptom - not a problem

I know what it's like to be in a long-term relationship and feel no desire for your partner. The thought of intimacy as yet another burden to carry. Often, we see this as "a problem to be solved."

We might go to nutritional therapists and try different approaches to understand where the fault lies.

Why do I have no sex drive?

It might not be not until much later, when we've gained some distance from the situation, that we can begin to see that there were various relational reasons why the desire wasn't there, for example:

• Our partner handles our children in a way we don't like – anger.

• We feel alone in the responsibility for our house and home – abandoned.

• Even if we can't put it into words at the time – emotional insecurity in the relationship.

Back to desire. I have yet to meet a person who feels genuine respect, love, and warmth for their partner – and at the same time completely lacks desire. Sure, there can be physiological explanations, but in my experience, they often take up too much space in the conversation around desire.

Desire is strongly linked to the dynamics of the relationship as a whole. That might sound very obvious. And yet so many of us are in relationships where desire is gone and believe there's something wrong with us. Unable in the moment to ask some very important questions:

• How are we really doing as a couple?

• Am I emotionally thriving in this relationship?

Instead, we start looking for solutions in the physical.

Men take medication to get a reliable erection.

Women start questioning their hormonal health and what can be "fixed."

What I really want with this text is to express a wish – for you, and for everyone in relationships: That you deserve to live in a relationship where you are so seen, loved, and cherished that you want to let your love take physical form.

Eagerly, fully and often.

With warmth,

Sofia