When We Had to Perform to Be Loved – and How It Follows Us Into Adulthood

Many of us did not receive unconditional love as children.We had to be something in order to be loved.

Our parents did not do this intentionally. They were often just passing on their own unresolved patterns.

What we did to be loved

Here are some examples of what we may have needed to be in order to receive attention — which we then learned to associate with love:

• The Achiever: doing well in school, keeping things tidy, winning in sports

• The Protector: taking care of siblings, solving problems

• The Caretaker: being there to listen to a parent

• The Independent One: managing on our own, never asking for help

• The Invisible One: not causing trouble, being “the good one,” not taking up space with our needs

• The Entertainer: being funny, charming, keeping the mood light in the family

When Performance Becomes Self-Worth

The problem is that when love and validation are tied to performance, our personality begins to form around that.

We often become:

• high-achievers

• responsible

• ambitious

• appreciated by others

Sounds great? We manage to build lives that can look very successful from the outside. But on the inside, there is often stress, anxiety, worry, and a persistent feeling of not being enough.

I'm only worthy when I perform

One reason for this is a deeply rooted belief:

• that we are not fundamentally OK as we are

• that we are only worthy of love when we perform

And when things don't go so well — at work, in relationships, or in life — it doesn’t just feel difficult. It feels like a threat to our very existence.

Why Rest, Boundaries, and Failure Become So Charged

When we have learned that performance is the path to love, rest, failure, and boundaries become emotionally loaded.

As a result, we:

• push ourselves too hard

• struggle to say no

• feel guilt when we don’t have the capacity to “be there”

• get stuck in relationships where we give more than we receive

Giving Ourselves What We Didn’t Receive

Meeting the younger parts of us that once adapted in order to receive love is a central part of moving beyond these patterns. We can often connect with what is commonly referred to as the ‘inner child.’ These parts have needs and a clear voice — one we can learn to listen to.

As we do so, slowly, slowly, the outer “neurosis” begins to loosen. There is no dramatic transformation — it’s more like the temperature in a room gradually adjusting.

The anxiety may still arise, but we have a new way of meeting it and creating calm. Not through distraction or dissociation, but by actually meeting ourselves.

From Pressure to More Ease in Life and Relationships

Over time, space opens up to live life from a place of greater ease rather than constant pressure.

That doesn’t mean life becomes perfect — but the overall tone begins to change.

Working With Younger Parts of Ourselves

Connecting with a younger version of ourselves is one of the tools I often use with clients. It is usually surprisingly accessible — perhaps most accessible when we are right in the middle of a trigger. In other words, in a feeling that sweeps over us as we talk about or think about a situation.

It shows us that these younger parts of ourselves largely live beneath the surface and are activated when we have strong emotional reactions.

By meeting them, we can improve our relationship with ourselves, with those close to us, and with life.

If you would like some support in starting to explore these inner parts, don't hesitate to book a free 30-minute clarity call with me.