"I want to have tantric sex with you!"

When I was single a few years ago, I explored Tinder. It was very exciting given that dating apps didn't exist the last time I was single — before that, in the early 2000s.

The other day I happened to think about a man I connected with on Tinder, and how he expressed, "I want to have tantric sex with you." It's a very understandable desire, but it's not so easy to understand what tantric sex is when you haven't walked that path yourself.

I could have responded to him with the spiel I'm about to give you, but I didn't.

The truth is that I could never have had tantric sex with that man. Because it's not about using specific techniques, breathing exercises, or positions. It's about being so open on multiple dimensions that the sex simply happens. There is no thought, fantasy, or route guiding it — it is a creation in the moment. It is creating art together.

These are the planes on which we need to meet for the art to come to life:

• The animal plane: My animal wants your animal

• The emotional plane: I feel safe and love you

• The mental plane: Intellectually, this is not a bad idea (relationship status, unwanted consequences, etc.)

• The spiritual plane: My energy plays with yours; our connection gives me a taste of the divine

  
  

If any of these is missing, the magic won't be the same. If several of them are missing, there will be no magic at all.

But how am I even supposed to create this?, you might be thinking. This is where various practices for coming back to our body and connecting emotionally come in. We can only go as deep with another person as we can go with ourselves, so you don't even need a partner to begin training, for example, your capacity for presence.

If you have a strong presence in the moment and in your own body, you are already 75% of the way there.

Conscious presence, meditation, and paying attention to how you distract yourself become important areas of practice. There is a saying: "How you do one thing is how you do everything" — meaning this becomes an approach to life, not just a quick fix for the bedroom.

That is why tantra is an approach to life that includes sex — as opposed to many other spiritual traditions that try to move us away from sex through rules, and guide us toward what is considered more sacred, such as meditation, selflessness, love for your neighbor, and so on.

In a tantric view, sex is just as sacred as anything else. Everything is included, and life is sacred in its entirety.

Take my Free Relationship Health Quiz to learn more about how you can create a deeper emotional connection with your partner.

I hate feedback

we say we want it - but do we?

The ability to give and receive feedback is often seen as an essential trait of a mature adult—someone who wants to evolve and become a better version of themselves. We are expected to navigate feedback in all our relationships: at work, in friendships, with romantic partners, and as parents. Yet, so-called "constructive" feedback seems to cause many of us immense pain. People love positive feedback, but the constructive kind often lands more like a blow.

Our Instinctive Resistance to Criticism

Most people hate being criticized. Our common reactions include:

• Becoming defensive.

• Feeling shame or worthlessness.

• Distancing ourselves from the other person.

When Self-Improvement Stings

A while ago, I asked my partner to tell me what he finds difficult about being in a relationship with me. I realized he rarely speaks about it, choosing instead to focus on the positive. While that’s pleasant, I thought it might be useful to know my "areas for improvement."

So, he began. He spoke constructively and wasn't accusatory at all, but by the time he reached point number three, I felt it: "Ouch, ouch, ouch... you have to stop. I can't take any more." I felt like a complete failure. Worthless. It was a sharp reminder of something I already knew: I hate feedback.

The Conflict Between Growth and Acceptance

Being informed of your shortcomings by someone you respect cuts deep. Research shows that feedback sits in the gray area between two conflicting human needs:

1. The desire to grow and improve.

2. The desire to be accepted for who I am.

Even when I know feedback is necessary for growth, it is easy for the scale to tip unto that I no longer feel accepted. It is a delicate balance to navigate.

Timing and Capacity

Our capacity for feedback also depends on where we are in life. When I feel strong, I can handle more. When I already feel vulnerable, my capacity is near zero. And what is the point of delivering feedback to someone who isn't in a position to receive it?

More harm than good?

I remember an old job where they tried to introduce a "feedback culture." Every employee was trained on how to implement it, but in the end, it turned into a bit of a shitshow. Suddenly, everyone was walking around giving feedback to one another without much self-awareness. Sometimes, feedback does more harm than good in a relationship.

Checking Your Intentions

A vital part of giving feedback is your own intention. Here are a few questions to help clarify it:

• Is it true? (Or am I projecting my own frustration?)

• Is it kind?

• Is it necessary right now? (Does the person need rest first—or am I just frustrated and need to vent?)

A Gift Wrapped in Thorns

That said, well-articulated feedback delivered with care and compassion is a gift. Even if it stings, it informs us of our blind spots and allows our relationships to grow instead of us drifting apart.

Let’s take care of each other when we deliver it.

Warmly,

Sofia

When We Had to Perform to Be Loved – and How It Follows Us Into Adulthood

Many of us did not receive unconditional love as children.We had to be something in order to be loved.

Our parents did not do this intentionally. They were often just passing on their own unresolved patterns.

What we did to be loved

Here are some examples of what we may have needed to be in order to receive attention — which we then learned to associate with love:

• The Achiever: doing well in school, keeping things tidy, winning in sports

• The Protector: taking care of siblings, solving problems

• The Caretaker: being there to listen to a parent

• The Independent One: managing on our own, never asking for help

• The Invisible One: not causing trouble, being “the good one,” not taking up space with our needs

• The Entertainer: being funny, charming, keeping the mood light in the family

When Performance Becomes Self-Worth

The problem is that when love and validation are tied to performance, our personality begins to form around that.

We often become:

• high-achievers

• responsible

• ambitious

• appreciated by others

Sounds great? We manage to build lives that can look very successful from the outside. But on the inside, there is often stress, anxiety, worry, and a persistent feeling of not being enough.

I'm only worthy when I perform

One reason for this is a deeply rooted belief:

• that we are not fundamentally OK as we are

• that we are only worthy of love when we perform

And when things don't go so well — at work, in relationships, or in life — it doesn’t just feel difficult. It feels like a threat to our very existence.

Why Rest, Boundaries, and Failure Become So Charged

When we have learned that performance is the path to love, rest, failure, and boundaries become emotionally loaded.

As a result, we:

• push ourselves too hard

• struggle to say no

• feel guilt when we don’t have the capacity to “be there”

• get stuck in relationships where we give more than we receive

Giving Ourselves What We Didn’t Receive

Meeting the younger parts of us that once adapted in order to receive love is a central part of moving beyond these patterns. We can often connect with what is commonly referred to as the ‘inner child.’ These parts have needs and a clear voice — one we can learn to listen to.

As we do so, slowly, slowly, the outer “neurosis” begins to loosen. There is no dramatic transformation — it’s more like the temperature in a room gradually adjusting.

The anxiety may still arise, but we have a new way of meeting it and creating calm. Not through distraction or dissociation, but by actually meeting ourselves.

From Pressure to More Ease in Life and Relationships

Over time, space opens up to live life from a place of greater ease rather than constant pressure.

That doesn’t mean life becomes perfect — but the overall tone begins to change.

Working With Younger Parts of Ourselves

Connecting with a younger version of ourselves is one of the tools I often use with clients. It is usually surprisingly accessible — perhaps most accessible when we are right in the middle of a trigger. In other words, in a feeling that sweeps over us as we talk about or think about a situation.

It shows us that these younger parts of ourselves largely live beneath the surface and are activated when we have strong emotional reactions.

By meeting them, we can improve our relationship with ourselves, with those close to us, and with life.

If you would like some support in starting to explore these inner parts, don't hesitate to book a free 30-minute clarity call with me.