I hate feedback

we say we want it - but do we?

The ability to give and receive feedback is often seen as an essential trait of a mature adult—someone who wants to evolve and become a better version of themselves. We are expected to navigate feedback in all our relationships: at work, in friendships, with romantic partners, and as parents. Yet, so-called "constructive" feedback seems to cause many of us immense pain. People love positive feedback, but the constructive kind often lands more like a blow.

Our Instinctive Resistance to Criticism

Most people hate being criticized. Our common reactions include:

• Becoming defensive.

• Feeling shame or worthlessness.

• Distancing ourselves from the other person.

When Self-Improvement Stings

A while ago, I asked my partner to tell me what he finds difficult about being in a relationship with me. I realized he rarely speaks about it, choosing instead to focus on the positive. While that’s pleasant, I thought it might be useful to know my "areas for improvement."

So, he began. He spoke constructively and wasn't accusatory at all, but by the time he reached point number three, I felt it: "Ouch, ouch, ouch... you have to stop. I can't take any more." I felt like a complete failure. Worthless. It was a sharp reminder of something I already knew: I hate feedback.

The Conflict Between Growth and Acceptance

Being informed of your shortcomings by someone you respect cuts deep. Research shows that feedback sits in the gray area between two conflicting human needs:

1. The desire to grow and improve.

2. The desire to be accepted for who I am.

Even when I know feedback is necessary for growth, it is easy for the scale to tip unto that I no longer feel accepted. It is a delicate balance to navigate.

Timing and Capacity

Our capacity for feedback also depends on where we are in life. When I feel strong, I can handle more. When I already feel vulnerable, my capacity is near zero. And what is the point of delivering feedback to someone who isn't in a position to receive it?

More harm than good?

I remember an old job where they tried to introduce a "feedback culture." Every employee was trained on how to implement it, but in the end, it turned into a bit of a shitshow. Suddenly, everyone was walking around giving feedback to one another without much self-awareness. Sometimes, feedback does more harm than good in a relationship.

Checking Your Intentions

A vital part of giving feedback is your own intention. Here are a few questions to help clarify it:

• Is it true? (Or am I projecting my own frustration?)

• Is it kind?

• Is it necessary right now? (Does the person need rest first—or am I just frustrated and need to vent?)

A Gift Wrapped in Thorns

That said, well-articulated feedback delivered with care and compassion is a gift. Even if it stings, it informs us of our blind spots and allows our relationships to grow instead of us drifting apart.

Let’s take care of each other when we deliver it.

Warmly,

Sofia