When the respect is gone

When respect is gone in a relationship, we’re in deep water. According to John Gottman, who has studied couples for over 40 years, lack of respect and contempt are the behaviors most strongly correlated with separation.

When we respect someone, we’re naturally drawn to them. We want to be close, to connect, to have more of that person in our lives. I often meet couples where respect has eroded for different reasons, for example:

• The person doesn’t live up to our expectations

• We feel let down or betrayed

  
  

signs of lack of respect

When we don’t respect someone, certain unhealthy behaviors start to creep in. We might begin to:

• Make condescending comments

• Correct or interrupt the other person when they’re speaking

• Put ourselves on a mental pedestal and look down on them

  
  

Maybe you’ve experienced this yourself, or seen couples around you where this kind of dynamic is playing out. Often, we don’t even notice that we’re doing it. But to an outsider, watching a couple where respect is lacking can feel quite uncomfortable. You can feel in your body that something is off. Yet the couple themselves often seem stuck in a loop that has become normalized.

A loop where, instead of seeing what’s good in the other person—their qualities, their contribution to the family, how they try - we focus on what they do wrong and what we can criticize.

is it possible to find your way back?

It’s not easy to turn this around, but it is possible. Part of it is about addressing what has actually hurt - past disappointments, betrayals, expectations that were never met. Putting words to those things, in the right context, often with professional support.

The other part is about actively shifting your focus. To start noticing even the small things the other person does that are worth appreciating. To begin building a culture of appreciation between you - which doesn’t happen overnight when you’ve been stuck in a culture of criticism.

But it’s worth starting. Because don’t we all want to be in a relationship where we feel appreciated and loved? We all deserve that.

Curious about your own patterns? Try my free relationship test to gain insight into your communication patterns and get tailored advice for how to strengthen your relationship.

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