"I want to have tantric sex with you!"

When I was single a few years ago, I explored Tinder. It was very exciting given that dating apps didn't exist the last time I was single — before that, in the early 2000s.

The other day I happened to think about a man I connected with on Tinder, and how he expressed, "I want to have tantric sex with you." It's a very understandable desire, but it's not so easy to understand what tantric sex is when you haven't walked that path yourself.

I could have responded to him with the spiel I'm about to give you, but I didn't.

The truth is that I could never have had tantric sex with that man. Because it's not about using specific techniques, breathing exercises, or positions. It's about being so open on multiple dimensions that the sex simply happens. There is no thought, fantasy, or route guiding it — it is a creation in the moment. It is creating art together.

These are the planes on which we need to meet for the art to come to life:

• The animal plane: My animal wants your animal

• The emotional plane: I feel safe and love you

• The mental plane: Intellectually, this is not a bad idea (relationship status, unwanted consequences, etc.)

• The spiritual plane: My energy plays with yours; our connection gives me a taste of the divine

  
  

If any of these is missing, the magic won't be the same. If several of them are missing, there will be no magic at all.

But how am I even supposed to create this?, you might be thinking. This is where various practices for coming back to our body and connecting emotionally come in. We can only go as deep with another person as we can go with ourselves, so you don't even need a partner to begin training, for example, your capacity for presence.

If you have a strong presence in the moment and in your own body, you are already 75% of the way there.

Conscious presence, meditation, and paying attention to how you distract yourself become important areas of practice. There is a saying: "How you do one thing is how you do everything" — meaning this becomes an approach to life, not just a quick fix for the bedroom.

That is why tantra is an approach to life that includes sex — as opposed to many other spiritual traditions that try to move us away from sex through rules, and guide us toward what is considered more sacred, such as meditation, selflessness, love for your neighbor, and so on.

In a tantric view, sex is just as sacred as anything else. Everything is included, and life is sacred in its entirety.

Take my Free Relationship Health Quiz to learn more about how you can create a deeper emotional connection with your partner.