From control to devotional love

A dynamic I often see in heterosexual couples, especially where the woman is highly competent, is that she believes she knows better than him in many ways. She knows how to better:

• Put the kids to bed

• Wipe down the kitchen counter

• Navigate social situations

  
  

And then it starts to creep into the bedroom: “don’t touch me like that,” “do like this.” Don't get me wrong here is nothing wrong with expressing your desires in the bedroom, but this is different.

And at the same time, she finds herself longing for a man who “just takes her.” But by criticizing and micromanaging her man, there’s no chance that dynamic can emerge between them.

Read also my post on lack of respect HERE.

There’s nothing left to do but put on an episode of Outlander and drift off into a fantasy of being with a man you feel magnetically drawn to and who just takes you.

Where does the need for control come from?

Often, this tendency has little to do with the man in front of her. It’s older than that. If you didn’t feel safe growing up, one coping strategy can be to try to control your surroundings - a way to create predictability when the world felt unpredictable. That strategy can follow us into adulthood and becomes especially visible in intimate relationships.

“Choose a man you respect and devote yourself to him”

Once, I heard a piece of advice that has stayed with me: “choose a man you respect and devote yourself to him.” I think it’s good advice and devotion is a beautiful state. What if we trusted that our man is capable, that he knows what he’s doing and that we don’t always know best? What arises then is relaxation.

If I trust that there is a capable man by my side, I can relax and don’t have to hold everything. And when a man feels my trust in his capability, he becomes capable. My expectation and trust invite him to step into his own power, instead of my doubt castrating him.

devotion requires courage and trust

If I don’t trust men, or the masculine in general, I won’t dare to devote myself to a mn. If I want to begin building that trust, there is inner work to be done first. I need to process the experiences that eroded my trust and start creating a new orientation in how I meet men going forward.

But what if I lose myself?

This is the risk of devoting yourself to someone and why many people don’t do it. We lose control. Suddenly, I might realize I’ve devoted myself to someone who behaves in ways that go against my values.

This fear is real. To be able to devote myself from a place of inner authority, I need to trust that if he behaves in a way that makes me lose trust in him, I can communicate where it is not working for me and reassess my devotion.

Devotion is not about becoming a doormat or shutting off your own judgment. On the contrary, it is an active choice, something you do from a place of strength and trust.

Devotion to the divine

Devotion in a relationship, or to love as a greater concept, is really a taste of the tantric concept of Bhakti, which is about devotion to the divine. By seeing your partner as an embodiment of the divine, you train yourself to see the divine in everything and everyone. Devotion becomes a path to experiencing that there is no separation between the self, the other, and the universe.

Something to start with

Back to practical, every day applications. Trusting someone and letting go of control is a gift not everyone dares to experience. If you have a man you respect and recognize yourself in what I’ve described, I would try choosing the mindset: “he knows what he’s doing” and “he gets to do it his way”and see what happens in your dynamic.

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