Do you fight, flee or freeze in heated moments?

We can have all the tools for conscious communication in the world, but when we come under pressure, they can fly straight out the window and we act from some kind of “default mode.” Does that sound familiar?

When we end up in a situation that creates so much internal stress that we can no longer manage it, our survival instincts kick in. This doesn’t happen as an active choice, it’s the body’s built-in response to a perceived threat.

The prefrontal cortex (where our logical, adult thinking takes place) temporarily steps aside, and the amygdala, the brain’s alarm system, takes over. The nervous system then relies on a few automatic strategies to keep us safe:

• Fight: go on the attack, move into conflict

• Flight: try to get away, physically or mentally/emotionally

• Freeze: suddenly we can’t speak or move

• Fawn: we go along and please, at the expense of our own needs

When you experience relational stress, which of these behaviors do you tend to lean toward? Most of us have one we fall into almost automatically.

the impact on the relationship

Being on the receiving end of someone’s stress response can be very challenging. Being attacked can trigger fear, someone pulling away right when things are hardest can evoke feelings of abandonment, when someone freezes and becomes unreachable feelings of hopelessness can emerge etc.

Often, one person’s stress response triggers the other’s. And two triggered people are rarely very good at resolving conflict together.

Notice and name your trigger

One of the more helpful things you can do for your relationship is to start noticing your stress responses. It begins with reflecting on them when you’re calm, not in the heat of the moment.

Step two is noticing your impulses in the moment. You might not be able to stop your impulse to leave or attack, but perhaps for a second you notice that you actually have a choice.

Step three is where things get interesting relationally. Here, you create enough space between your impulse and acting on it that you can name and share what’s happening inside you first, for example:

“Now I notice I’m starting to shut down.”

“Now I feel like running away from here.”

“Now I feel like telling you what a prick you are.”

If you’re lucky enough to have a partner who can hear that and respond with something like, “Thank you for staying,” you’ve entered a new dynamic. Suddenly, you’re not acting directly on your impulse, but rather, you have a choice.

To be able to name your impulse, the amygdala can't be in complete control, the prefrontal cortex needs to be partly online too. And this is something you can train. This is what’s called regulating your nervous system: building the capacity to partially bring your “adult self” back online even in highly pressured situations. Nervous system regulation isn’t about willpower, it’s about calming the system so you can think again.

There are methods to train this ability, such as different forms of focused breathing, adopting certain physical postures that signal safety to the nervous system, or simple physical techniques like immersing your face in cold water. These are just a few examples, and if you’re interested in nervous system regulation, feel free to reach out for more resources and guidance.

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